If you have seen my site, you know what I used to do. I found dozens of old ski industry articles that have never been published. Here are some posted randomly.

Here’s the first:

Skier Safety Tips

• If sking backcountry or after a fresh storm and you notice a pending avalanche make sure to yell as loud as you can “Hey guys, watch out for those pesky avalanches”

• Always ski alone. You then will never be bothered with someone elses injuries or have to look for their bodies after a snowslide.

• Carry a big gun. Always.

• Always contact your local VFW on every day before skiing informing them where and when you will be skiing. In case of an emergency, these war-trained vets have a great deal of time on their hands and can help you out with search and rescue.

• When skiing onto a merging trail, always yell “Get the fuck out of my way.” Then proceed to gain extra speed so they know you mean it.

• Before ordering food at the hill-side cafetaria, make sure to yell a racial remark back into the kitchen such as ” I hear you frickin’ dip shits make a mean god damn burger.” This is skier slang for “Please, sirs, put everything on it.” This will ensure proper calorie intake for the day.

•Wear as much neon as you can.

• Always order two pieces of pizza storing one in your ski jacket pocket. This will come as a pleasant surprise on your next vaction or will come in handy in case of avalanche.

• Helmets are completely and utterly useless. Similar to “Sweethearts Day” being invented by Hallmark, helmets are bullshit propoganda invented by the ski industry to sell more equipment.

• Remember that all ski patrol are dim-witted hicks incapable of holding even ditch-digging jobs. When they warn you of impending avalanche danger, ignore them as they are only trying to keep you away from their private stash of fresh snow.

• Heroin and skiing mix pefectly.

• The faster you ski, the faster you get to the bottom, the lesser time you spend on the slope. According to the laws of physics, math and statistics you have a lesser chance of collision.

• Snowboarders are superior to all skiers and always have the right of way. If one runs into you, immediately apologize as it is omnipotently your fault.

•Drinking copius amounts of water at high altitude only makes you pee more. Substitute ketchup instead.

• When you suspect you have broken a major bone or snapped a major artery in an accident, always remember herbal remedies and gregorian chants have and always will be superior to modern medicine. Carry such things as Guta Kola, St. John’s Wort, Wickus and sheet music in your guatemalean fanny-pack.